Dear Jesus.

There are days when I feel like giving up. Did I choose the right profession? Is this really what I am called to do?

I asked these questions while I was in school, and God always gave me a clear answer that followed every time I got on my knees. I know I'm still new to this job and there are plenty of things to learn. But some days you just feel a little (or a lot) overwhelmed by everything that's going on. Things are back to back, with classes and work, I just can't seem to catch my breath and just take a break. 

For the last month, it's been on the go from the day I was officially hired. I started within 2 days, and I had little time to prepare. Today was just one of those days when I got really anxious again about the days and weeks ahead of me. I question will I be ready in 2 months to be all by my self?

I need reassurance. I need someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. I need things to just slow down a little bit. While I'm at work, people say look this and that up, because these are the things you need to know. But when I get home I'm so drained and all I want to do is crawl into my bed and sleep because I'm so tired. I want to be the best nurse that I can possibly be, and I have to keep reminding myself that it's going to take time. It's going to take a few months, maybe even years to get adjusted to the routine.

*sigh*  

My prayer for today is this:

Dear Lord, 

I am overwhelmed and I know you hear my cries. I know you have a plan for me and if this is your calling, things will get easier (if I do my part of course).
You know that I want this so bad and I want to be the best nurse I can possibly be. It's just a matter of when. I have people pulling for me, rooting for me to do well, and I just don't want to disappoint.
Maybe that's my biggest fear oh Lord. I don't want to disappoint my family and those who helped me get this job. 

Tomorrow is a new day, and I am looking forward to spending the Sabbath with you. You've given us a day of rest, and this week, that is my only day of rest. I've work 4 out of the last 5 days, and will work 4 out of the next 6. 

Please get me through those days Father. 

I know you will get me through this. I know you will find a way to make me more comfortable. All I have to do is believe in You w/ all my heart and you will be with me every step of the way. 

You always have and you always will. 

Forgive me Lord for all of my short comings and for ever questioning what you have intended for me. I am much more at ease knowing that You are always here guiding me and watching over me. 

Be w/ me now Lord & the world as a whole. People are struggling much more than I am and my heart goes out to them first & foremost. 

Thank you Father for everything. I love you Lord. 

Always, 

Russy

Exhaustion.

I am beyond tired. Going from not having a job and not knowing what to do w/ my time for 5-6 months, to finally having one and being overwhelmed is just that. Overwhelming.

God has blessed me with the chance of a life time. To help those who are sick in the hospital. To care for these individuals not only physically, but emotionally and most importantly spiritually.

So, honestly, I have nothing to complain about. I wished and pray for this opportunity to arise and I am truly grateful and thankful for it each and every day that I wake up. It has brought a sense of assurance for my parents and Jenny that I now have a job that will help out around the house and more importantly help me in my future.

With that said, I am just beat. All I want to do is crash when I get home, and at times, even eating comes secondary to getting some rest. I have to learn how to take care of my body, because sometimes at work, I got 5-6 even 7 hours without putting a single thing in my stomach, and worse I go about the same amount of time not even taking a drink of water.

This is all new to me, and it's going to get easier and much more routine with time. I'm looking forward to the day that I can be fully comfortable and confident with my job, but for now I am in that phase where I can't be too hard on myself. Every day is a learning process, a step towards the ultimate goal and that's to be the best nurse that I can possibly be.

I pray each night that God will give me the strength to wake up each day, ready for the challenges at hand. To treat my patients like family and to do it all with Him at the center of it all.

As tired as I am, I am blessed. As tired as I am, I know He's watching me every step of the way. As tired as I am, I know that He will never give me anything that I cannot handle.

This is the beginning, and nobody said it would be easy. For now, all I can do is rest, relax and get ready for another day. Thank you Jesus for everything and for always giving me the things that I don't deserve. Help me to pay it forward and to always be reminded that YOU are the one we live for and everything is always going to happen according to your will and plan.

Be blessed.
Russy

It ain't gonna be easy.

It feels good to be back writing in word form. 

My youtube vlogs have been increasing fun and different. But I enjoy sharing my personal weight loss, emotional journey w/ people who it can actually make a difference.

I find it hard not to share, when it comes to helping people. I use to feel like it would be boasting on how much weight I lost or that I've been eating cleanly, but I came to the conclusion that, some people hide from their own feelings and listening to someone like me who is struggling (whoever it is) might actually be the one thing that might turn their lives around. 

One of my greatest passions in life is helping people get better, hence the reason I became a nurse. I've always loved seeing someone's face light up after I've done something to help them, and this journey is much like that. 

The journey I'm taking isn't going to be easy, it's going to have it's bumps in the road, especially being so stressed out at work (because it's new). I want to take this challenge and totally flip it around and make it into a positive versus the negative way I handled it in nursing school. I find that if I can lose weight while working, then it'll mentally tell me that I can do anything.

God has given me the tools I need in order to help myself, but also to help others. I'm completely dedicated to this and hopefully you all are too. 

One step at a time.

I am with you...

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you." 

- Isaiah 43:2

I really needed to read this today. 

Dear Lord, 

Please give me the strength, the courage and the patience to get through each day.
Please walk with me, because I cannot do it alone Lord.
I am being tested in every way possible, and as much as I fight, I'm getting weak. 

Pick me up or Lord and carry me on your back.
Forgive me for ever doubting myself, because that's just like doubting Your abilities. 

As I go to sleep oh Lord, may you give me the rest I need to wake up for another day. 

Help me oh Lord in all that I do, say and think.
I love you Lord and we are in this together. 

Goodnight Father. 

Russy

What I am...

"I am a fighter"

Fixing what is broken.

"This isn't about winning a game, but fixing what is broken" 

- Bob Harper, biggest loser trainer 

It really pisses me off that they sent Arthur home. Red team has no heart. Sure you all have an alliance with each other, but health is the important part. Arthur wasn't ready to go home. It's a shame that it has to be all about the show and the game. If you all cared, you wouldn't have sent him home. 

Vlogging

Never thought I'd really do it and make myself so vulnerable to the public. But if I want to really stay on track and stay motivated, I need to put this pressure on myself so people around me can keep me focused and determined. 

I was reaching a phase where I started to not care as much. I didn't have the motivation to go to the gym or work out at home, and even started eating bad again. I gained some of the hard earned weight I took off and I am ashamed and disappointed in myself for gaining what I did. 

Celebration for things such as getting hired, birthdays, and valentines day are important. But carrying it over and making them habits aren't. I'm ready to remain focused and be kept accountable for each and everyone of my goals.

I will vlog as much as I can, good or bad. The struggles are a part of the journey, and I'm not going to hide those struggles, because that's what makes it so real for people and will inspire people. This is it...phase 2 begins. let's do this together. 

To health.
BST.TLF 

Russy